Dying

Shouldn't you have the ability to die or live. There are people out there who would love to live, and then there are people out there who want to die. Why can't they? Why can't I? Is the real question here, I guess. I want to die. Death intrigues me, but that's not why I want to die, I want to die because I hate living, and that there is nothing in my life worth living for. I hate feeling these feelings everyday. The feelings of being alone and unwanted and worthless. But worse than having those feelings is knowing that they are reality. My reality. I want to die. But I can't. They won't let me. I guess, I could, maybe I will. They say if you want something badly enough you should go after it. I want this badly. I hate living. I hate feeling. I hate knowing that I only have one true friend in this entire world. And that friend is great, don't get me wrong, she's probably the reason I'm living right now. That doesn't mean I don't want to die though. So maybe this will be my last post. Maybe this will be my last anything.

JESUS HENRY CHRIST

There are some things in life that you just can't explain. You can't explain racism, you can't explain Tweetie Bird tattoos, and you most definitely cannot explain relationships. I don't just mean boyfriend/girlfriend relations (though those will be mentioned), I am mostly referring to a simple relationship between two people. However, I use the word "simple" incredibly lightly because things are simple for a couple of nanoseconds and then they become complicated. It's the honest-to-god-truth. I can't have a simple relationship with anyone. ever. There is always drama; drama over boys, or other friends, or little differences, or all of the above.
However, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are complicated on an entirely different level. There's always a problem, whether it may be a clingy girlfriend, an ass of a boyfriend, or simply a poor girl who just can't seem to catch a break (i.e. me). I try guys, I swear that I do. I swear that I'm nice, and I swear that I don't get too attached, or anything, it just goes sour. Sometimes, I'll admit, it's my fault because I simply lose interest (not as bad as it sounds), but in other cases, I just do something wrong that I can't explain. I don't know what it is -- probably my face -- but after like a week and a half, the "relationship" becomes much more complicated than it should be. I understand that I'm young, and I understand that I have decades before I need to worry about finding a male, but, you know, sometimes you get lonely. I get lonely. I get lonely all the FUCKING time. I don't even need someone to cuddle me, or call me, if I just got a couple texts here and there, day would = made. But, life is not like that.

Nothing at All

Your life is never going to be what you want it to be, things are never going to turn out the way they should, and I understand that. My problem isn't that things aren't going my way, it's that things aren't going at all. I have no direction; no purpose. Everything I do fails. Every plan I have falls through. I have absolutely nothing going for me. I have no one and nothing. Life is bland and bleak. I just want something. It's a need really. I need something to do; some sort of plan or purpose or meaning to add to my life. I'm in a rut. I just spend each day like the day before with nothing ever changing. Don't take this in a petty way, but I kinda want a person. I want a person to share my life with. I have tried. I mean, in a way. I don't really like a lot of people, and a lot of people don't really like me. However, when that random happenstance occurs and I like someone who likes me in return, it always ends horribly and awfully and with me crying. Even without a person though, you'd think I'd have something. Maybe a hobby or a job or something to give me a purpose. Nothing. I have nothing. It makes me want to just stop living. I could die. It would be okay. People die all the time, and you what happens after someone dies? Everyone else just moves on. It would be okay. I wouldn't be missed for very long.

New Year

So now it's the new year, and that means that about three days ago everyone was acting stupid and insane because some part of them thinks that because in a couple of hours it'll be January first, that you can act like a retard and it won't even count. I believe, however, that you should treat everyday like January first; a new beginning, a clean slate, a motivational date.

Wait Darling

How many times a day do you say "sorry"? You apologize not necessarily because something is your fault, but because  you're just trying to please those around you. Because you're just that person; you try so hard to please everyone so you don't have to be alone, but then you forget about yourself. I hate it, because you don't deserve that. The nice people are always the one's who get taken advantage of. How is that right? It's not. And that one time that you lose your temper, everyone gets angry, and then everything is your fault. You consider just giving up, making them regret ever treating you badly. Don't though, because one day, you will meet a nice person who won't take advantage.

Education Shmation

School is truly messed up. I mean, I know everyone hates it, but have you ever taken a moment to think about how horrible it really is? It's past the point where it's about learning things, now it's all about the grades. The teacher's could care less; they put in less effort than the students, and they hate it just as much. They just assume that all kids are going to all be good at the exact same things. Why should I have to take Calculus when I have no interest in pursuing math at any time during my life? I shouldn't. Beyond the pure academics of it all, I also find the social aspect to be cruel.

Teenagers already have a hard enough time with their hormones all in whack; we're grumpy, angry, lazy, cold. And they decided to just stick us all together and assumed that we wouldn't make each others lives miserable. That's almost worse than the homework itself. Kids in school get so bored that they just go around saying horrible, horrible things about each other. Did you know that the average high school student has a higher anxiety rate than an insane asylum patient in the 1950s. There is definitely something wrong here. But is anyone going to do something about it? Nope.

If I Die, It's Your Fault

One of my least favorite things is when someone tells someone else that they're not allowed to be sad because someone has it worse than they do, that's like telling someone that they're not allowed to be happy because someone has it better than they do. It's all circumstantial. Everyone handles things in their own ways; everyone has their own struggles and pains, and just because someone may be more blessed than someone else, doesn't mean that they don't feel pain.

Have you noticed that sad people always try the hardest to make others happy? It's because they know what it's like; they know what it's like to be alone, depressed, isolated. It would be nice if we could all just be happy. Truly, it would be just delightful if the little things didn't bring us down, if people were nice to each other, if love only came to those who would receive love it return. But that's not how the world works. Be sad. It's okay.